That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
look at me when i’m typing to you
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.