That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You Might Also Like
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.