That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop