That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.