That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.