that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
dutch so unserious
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*