That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
decorating my apartment
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
What a year we’ve had this week.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.