That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.