That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This guy gets it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real