That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.