That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough