that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Pretty much! 😂👀
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.