That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
San Francisco has too many rules
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized