That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Seas the day!!!!