That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
You Might Also Like
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.