That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.