That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.