That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.