That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.


me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it


Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch


Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.


When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one


Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?



My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.


[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”