That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”