That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.