That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*