That took me a moment.
You Might Also Like
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”