@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

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@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@WilliamAder

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@noog

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

@Shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@UnFitz

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.