That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!