That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
You Might Also Like
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
🍛
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Husband of the year 😂
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.