That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
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I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.