“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor