That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Vodka burrito was a success
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.