That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.