That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.


Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.


Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.


I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.


My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get


I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.


Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.


i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand


*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?