Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Can. I. Help. You.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Baller is short for ballerina

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

Cndnsd Mlk

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot