@MomofTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

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@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

@TheJamesH1

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

@TheDjinnTrials

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

@LooptyBoo

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

@Paxochka

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@ElgatoEsmio

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?