That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store