That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs