“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.