that wasn’t the question
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Catercrombie & Fish
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?