That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava