“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.