That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.