That’s amazing.
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Ferrari squats
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.