“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?