That’s classic.
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.