“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
#Caturday
Are we there yet?…
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.