That’s commitment
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.