That’s fair
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”