“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish