that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
PLOT TWIST:
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”