That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep


Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday


*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?


[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby


Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it


me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what


date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please


Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.