That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that