@truegritrumble BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
@ValeeGrrl That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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@truegritrumble 
@Book_Krazy Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
@VeganZebra *walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
@GoodZiIIa [after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
@glum_and_fun Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
@CatJacquesESPN Cake safety first. Always.
@seancehat me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
@breeinthestee Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
@daemonic3 date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
@RacesTacoTrucks Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.