“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
You Might Also Like
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.