That’s no pocket rocket.
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.