That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You Might Also Like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
spot the difference
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.