That’s not how days work.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook