That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Safety first
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.