That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
So sick of all these stupid rules
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again