“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…