That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.



*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.


You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.


You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice


The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.


A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.


How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes