That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening